Hello everyone have no real explanation of how I ended up here, but somehow I did. My name is Jay, I’m 39 and a few days ago I discovered that I have all the hallmarks of someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Every test I have done online, every web site I have visited, every example of what has been written, is pretty much describing me.

I am at a very dark place right now, and I am lost and somewhat lonely. At first when I was reading all the points of Narcissistic Personality Disorder I was thinking it was funny. I’m confident, appear positive, I chase success, I enjoy being the centre of attention. All of these things are something I viewed as positive.

What has upset me, are the negative traits. Being manipulative, being prepared to walk over anyone in my way, feeling that I deserve better, feeling like I should be important, denying that there is any issue in the first place, and again feeling like I should be the centre of attention. Believing that arrogance is really just a subtle form of confidence. Believing that trying to help other people was for their benefit and not my own self-gratification. I can identify with them all. I don’t mind admitting that this has shattered by the very vision of my own self-image.

The evidence is overwhelming and I cannot ignore the fact that I have a mental health problem. It has been very hard to come to terms with. I am a mature student and college has a support network and today I have been and spoken to a councellor. She has been great and is booking me in some appointments to help me get the bottom of this problem early in the new year. I don’t know if the problem can be cured, or whether the best outcome is for me to control it. But, I feel I have started the healing process with at least acknowledging the problem and seeking help.

I have been brought to this place by the very likely end of a 6 year relationship and the loss of a good partner and our 2 wonderful sons. It’s not the first time either. By the time I was 28 I had 2 failed marriages under my belt and 2 other sons. Then in my 30’s I had 2 or 3 other good relationships that I managed to ruin. I didn’t set out to do it, I just failed to give them any respect. Unfortunately it looks as though my mental wellbeing has destroyed another good relationship and through no real fault but my own. I have written my partner a 6 page, nearly 5000 word letter explaining what is going on in my world and tried to point out the errors I have made and their ultimate cause. I am not blaming all our problems on N.P.D and I take responsibility for my actions, but N.P.D has been the underlying cause of our problems. Sadly I feel it’s too little too late and I am destined to have to start life again, once again. I think she has read the letter once and then dismissed the idea. I don’t think she believes me and to be honest, I cannot really blame her. I have told her in the letter that I am not going to bring up the issue of the N.P.D unless she wants to talk about things. I don’t want to be seen as though I am forcing the issue on her and using it as an excuse for some of the negative attributes in my personality. To be really honest, I absolutely have no idea what is a right or wrong idea or action anymore. I cannot speak to her about it for fear of her viewing it as Machiavellian or manipulative. All in all, I would say I am well and truly lost, and I am so fed up about it.

Every web page I have looked to for support on N.P.D is all about the victims of people with the illness. There seems to be very little support for people with the actual disorder. Maybe this is because there are not many of us, who actually admit to the problem? I really don’t know. One thing I am sure of, is that this is a very real problem and not something just imagined or used as an excuse.

I would hope that I can turn this issue round and that something positive will come out of it. But at this stage of the game, who can possibly know what comes next?

I don’t even know why I am writing this. Is it to share my experience, to look for support, to find other sufferers, or will I be the brunt of N.P.D victims anger? It’s a bloody sad lonely place to be right now. It’s a horrible place.

Anyway – I hope somewhere out there on the internet there is someone else who can understand this. I hope I’m not a lost cause.

Jay.

Congradulations Jay. I am so impressed you are able to say those things. If not already done, I think you should explore Schema Therapy. Check it out at Wendy Behary’s website and contact her if you are interested. I hope and pray you will find richness and good health in all your relationships. Kevin

Hi Jay

I hope you are still checking these forums and see my reply.

Tonight has been one of the most life changing for me – we have finally found the cause for my mothers behaviour that has lost her countless friends, wrecked her marriage and lost her kids in the ensuing custody battle. She has NPD!

Firstly I would like to congratulate you on acknowledging and addressing the problem, particularly in voluntarily using the services of a counsellor. That is a big step for any one and a far bigger one for someone with NPD, if everything I have read so far is right.

I am really sorry that you have experienced such a hard time in your relationships. My relationship with my mum has always been very up and down, dictated largely by her behaviour. However, what I want you to know about this is that, now that I have an answer to everything, suddenly all of the weird and just as often wonderful things she does and says sometimes now have a reason. Things that she says and does that before have baffled me have started to make sense. I am pleased I now have an explanation.

I am not angry at her, if anything it makes me love her more and gives me hope because now I know there really will be things I can do to make our relationship maybe 70/30 great times instead of 40/60 as it is now. I know she will never entertain the suggestion of having NPD, so I am not going to distress her by putting the idea forward to her, and this makes me all the more impressed that you ARE able to look in at yourself from the outside. To me this shows that you are more aware of others feelings than you give yourself credit for and perhaps instead of focussing on the negative traits of this condition, you need to focus on the positive – that you want to deal with those.

By doing so I think this will give you greater confidence when you do become ready to start another relationship, and you will be able to be frank and honest with that person, rather than trying to retrospectively “justify” – and I use that term loosely – any past behaviour. Sometimes, unfortunately, the damage is done with some people and just as an NPD sufferer sometimes cannot see that they might be in the wrong, so can some people be just as bad by just writing someone off as inherently flawed. You are right though not to force the issue. I am sure in time she will see the subtle changes in you and how you deal with situations that may just make her re-think what you ahve written in your letter.

I hope you have kept up with the counselling! It may also be worthwhile seeing if there are any groups in the area that may offer extra support and the chance for you to meet other people in a similar position where they are not sure what the next step should be and how they apply it to life in general?

There are very few people with NPD who admit to having a problem, but some licensed psychologists may be able to help you work through your disorder and identify if in fact you have this or something else. Professional help is probably the best thing you can do for yourself next.

First off, I’d like to applaud you for being courageous and seeking treatment. I, myself, am likely a victim of someone i’ve been close to for 3 years who in all likelihood has NPD. I’m very sorry you’re in a lonely place and I hope you are getting better. If I may ask, how did you come to the realization you have NPD? Do you have any advice for trying to get someone with NPD to realize it?

Sounds like you’ve made the first step to getting better, Jay. Well done and welcome to the group.

Your post was so moving, Jay, that I joined this forum just so I could respond to it. I just found out tonight that my boyfriend I have lived with for the past 5 years has NPD. I have also come to this realization by searching for answers online, as everything I’ve read – including your post – undeniably describes him.

My experience with him has been heartbreaking and has made me question my own sanity many times over, but I am not a victim and do not blame him, or you. Finally finding out the reason for the many hurtful things he does is relieving on one hand, yet overwhelming on the other.

You display a tremendous amount of insight in what you have written and I applaud your willingness to take an objective assessment of your own behavior. You mentioned you hope that something positive will result from your ordeal – I have a suggestion for you, if you don’t mind my doing so:

Perhaps you could help those who have a loved one with NPD by sharing your insight into, and experience of, being the one who has NPD? Help them understand what their loved one better so that their pain in dealing with it may hopefully be lessened. By doing so, it will help you to know the other side of it, so it would benefit you as well. It would also help you feel better about yourself. A win-win for everyone.

Just an idea.

Best wishes and may all good things come your way.

Hi Jay,
If you can really keep on with your counselling and therapy and keep on at your healing, you would have really helped to give me some hope.
Because you could well represent an example of someone with NPD that DID turn around – unlike my father figure, who has it, but has not gone for any sort of treatment at all. (Naturally so) And has in the process, made life, my relationship with him, myself & my world all that much harder.

I am most encouraged to hear you admitting to everyone here that you have NPD. It encourages a jaded, burnt out part of me, who has lived under an NPD father my whole life.

I’m only sorting out treatment for myself these last 3 years. So, good on you Jay.

Please don’t give up on yourself no matter how dark a place u feel you’re in. You are worth more than your personality disorder. God thinks so.

Bless you.

Dear Jay,

The letter you wrote moved me almost to tears. I have just ended a relationship with someone I am certain suffers from NPD. I am studying to be a psychiatrist. Medicine is my passion, being so, I feel very emotionally involved and dedicated to understanding him. But the ability to “see” has proven counterproductive. My knowledge of his problem has made me love him and relate to him more, much more than I should, and Im ultimately paying the price. I think I have moved him the most during our course. I have noticed him seeing himself for who he truly was and transition to someone who is at war with himself- a huge stride for him. He is very smart and I there were several times where he was very much aware but chose to lose him self in the NPD world. Its easier, safer, and more in tune with what he knows. This world is where he chose to stay and I finally had to say good bye. Though not like yours, I look back and see his efforts. When he wasn’t being insensitive, irresponsible, arrogant, and manipulative, I saw a good man with a good heart and a child like innocence and desire to make me happy but clueless as to how. He has shattered my world and Im left alone to repair it. My emotions, self esteem, self worth have diminished. As a result I am about $5,000 in debt ,unable to attend school, depressed, pregnant (miscarriage), and addicted to weed, pills, and cigarettes. I too have developed NPD tendancies as a result. I have considered entering a mental institution to recover.

When I read your story Jay, I thought it quite courageous thing. Such accomplishments even non- NPD ppl find difficult. So cudos to you. I also know you feel very frustrated and isolated. It is very scary to know that the world you knew all your life is not reality at all. I made the ultimate decision to move on to save my own life. But I still love him very much and if he could come to the realization as you have done, maybe I could work with him from a distance again in hopes of a potential tomorrow for us. I do like his fantasy world and I believe together we can accomplish this if he could just understand that the tough issues of reality must be dealt with in order for the fantasy land to thrive.

Grief, pride, and anger wont allow me to speak to him or directly help him again. I did, however through a mutual friend advise them to talk to him and convince him to seek help. This person is the only friend he has, as he has managed to sabotage every relationship he ever had. You seem very intellectually inclined as does my ex. So I am praying he is able to finally see him self. I do, like any scorned person, want him to suffer for the pain he caused. But I also want to see him better eventually. The dream of him transforming into another man and I return happy are how I psychologically deal with the pain. In sad reality, I could never do it. But this attempt is my final plea I suppose in memory of the few good times we shared, and times I got the brief but cherished glimpse of a great guy- which are what kept me going this far. His friend beleives he needs help as well. Tonight, his friend is having a long heart to heart regarding this issue. I eagerly await the report, which is how I landed here. I wonder what the outcome will be.

All I can say Jay, is to keep trying. Your letter suggests that you are doing a lot greater than you think. Such an amazing stride from my ex would bring bittersweet closure and hasten my own healing process. Continue to try. A new and better individual will soon emerge. Perhaps your partner will come around if she sees your effort. But remember you have to love and change yourself first before anyone else. If she does not return, do not let this defer you from continuing to fight the disorder. Be bold and continue to “stay with us” a phrase I so often told him and your possibilities will grow beyond measures. Since I left, Im having trouble dealing with the painful truth that he never really loved me. If he can be brave enough to see him self as you have done, I will have peace of mind. But as in your case, even if he doesn’t, I also have to continue to fight. I wish u well……….. Amirah………..

Hi Jay, I had been with my ex for 27 years and was put through awful manipulation and abuse for all of that time. I am, and I hate to say this, very angry – at myself for allowing him do this to me. I started to read your letter expecting to hear my ex’s words (and I thoroughly apologise for that misconception) and, instead, found your words extremely sad and upsetting. I can only say that, from what I have seen, the NPD my ex suffers from denies him the ability to ever address any of his issues and, in fact, he can NEVER admit that he has any fault whatsoever. In fact, one month ago, he led my kids to believe he was going to hurt himself purely to reel me in and show that he still had control of me. He ended the night by sobbing and saying (over and over) that ” I am a good guy”. He was trying to convince himself of this. I believe, this is classic with NPD sufferers. The fact that you are addressing issues is a step in the right direction. Keep on going. There is help out there for you. We all deserve a happy place on this earth. Keep going, I believe that everyone can change for the better. I really hope it all works out for you – good luck – Maggie

Jay and Amirah are from the same place? Could they be the people they are both talking about? Just an observation.