Location: West Yorkshire in the U.K.
Hello everyone have no real explanation of how I ended up here, but somehow I did. My name is Jay, I’m 39 and a few days ago I discovered that I have all the hallmarks of someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Every test I have done online, every web site I have visited, every example of what has been written, is pretty much describing me.
I am at a very dark place right now, and I am lost and somewhat lonely. At first when I was reading all the points of Narcissistic Personality Disorder I was thinking it was funny. I’m confident, appear positive, I chase success, I enjoy being the centre of attention. All of these things are something I viewed as positive.
What has upset me, are the negative traits. Being manipulative, being prepared to walk over anyone in my way, feeling that I deserve better, feeling like I should be important, denying that there is any issue in the first place, and again feeling like I should be the centre of attention. Believing that arrogance is really just a subtle form of confidence. Believing that trying to help other people was for their benefit and not my own self-gratification. I can identify with them all. I don’t mind admitting that this has shattered by the very vision of my own self-image.
The evidence is overwhelming and I cannot ignore the fact that I have a mental health problem. It has been very hard to come to terms with. I am a mature student and college has a support network and today I have been and spoken to a councellor. She has been great and is booking me in some appointments to help me get the bottom of this problem early in the new year. I don’t know if the problem can be cured, or whether the best outcome is for me to control it. But, I feel I have started the healing process with at least acknowledging the problem and seeking help.
I have been brought to this place by the very likely end of a 6 year relationship and the loss of a good partner and our 2 wonderful sons. It’s not the first time either. By the time I was 28 I had 2 failed marriages under my belt and 2 other sons. Then in my 30’s I had 2 or 3 other good relationships that I managed to ruin. I didn’t set out to do it, I just failed to give them any respect. Unfortunately it looks as though my mental wellbeing has destroyed another good relationship and through no real fault but my own. I have written my partner a 6 page, nearly 5000 word letter explaining what is going on in my world and tried to point out the errors I have made and their ultimate cause. I am not blaming all our problems on N.P.D and I take responsibility for my actions, but N.P.D has been the underlying cause of our problems. Sadly I feel it’s too little too late and I am destined to have to start life again, once again. I think she has read the letter once and then dismissed the idea. I don’t think she believes me and to be honest, I cannot really blame her. I have told her in the letter that I am not going to bring up the issue of the N.P.D unless she wants to talk about things. I don’t want to be seen as though I am forcing the issue on her and using it as an excuse for some of the negative attributes in my personality. To be really honest, I absolutely have no idea what is a right or wrong idea or action anymore. I cannot speak to her about it for fear of her viewing it as Machiavellian or manipulative. All in all, I would say I am well and truly lost, and I am so fed up about it.
Every web page I have looked to for support on N.P.D is all about the victims of people with the illness. There seems to be very little support for people with the actual disorder. Maybe this is because there are not many of us, who actually admit to the problem? I really don’t know. One thing I am sure of, is that this is a very real problem and not something just imagined or used as an excuse.
I would hope that I can turn this issue round and that something positive will come out of it. But at this stage of the game, who can possibly know what comes next?
I don’t even know why I am writing this. Is it to share my experience, to look for support, to find other sufferers, or will I be the brunt of N.P.D victims anger? It’s a bloody sad lonely place to be right now. It’s a horrible place.
Anyway – I hope somewhere out there on the internet there is someone else who can understand this. I hope I’m not a lost cause.