Hi everyone,

I’m hoping that maybe sharing my story with others in similar situations might help me better understand and come to terms with my father’s NPD. My father has always been incredibly difficult. He has never admitted fault to anything, even to the divorce with my mother (which was caused by his infidelity), or the poor relationship he has wih everyone around him due tk his temper, manipulation, obsession with wealth, praise and power. In the past few months both my therapist and my sisters’ therapist suggested NPD. After a pretty horrendous father/daughter therapy session earlier this week it is clear to me and my therapist that this is the right diagnosis.

As the oldest of 4 (29 yrs old), I’ve taken on the role as the one in my family willing to speak up for our collective hurts and the troubles we all have with my father. In the past the slightest sign of cricism would set my father off and result in months or years of silence. He agreed to come I my therapist and based on a few weeks of decent communication it seemed like it would go well. Within 5 minutes I was being attacked. Not only was I told that I was at fault for all our problems, I was needy, confused and remembering a past that didn’t occur.
For example, I told him I was scared of him as a child, to which he laughed and said that wasn’t true. His manipulation, death stares and paranoia were in I’ll force.

While I feel better knowing now that he does have NPD, it seems like there is no way to get through to him or be heard. I really don’t know what the next step is. When I pull away I am told I am a horrible person for abandoning family (his words) but I can’t hide my hurt and stroke his ego to play nice. Any advice or previous similar experiences are welcome. I just feel so demoralized right now, partially because of the one hour beating I took in the therapy session earlier this week.

Thanks

Tanya

Hi Tanya,

I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced with your father. I am 53 and recently put a name to my mother’s behavior that has caused me so much frustration and hurt my whole life. She fits the description of NPD to a “t”. The frustrating part is that she never believed she did anything wrong and she simply lacks the ability to have empathy for my feelings. My dad was a moody, critical alcoholic and the fact that she could never validate my feelings when I felt hurt by him was in itself hurtful, not to say confusing as a child.

The only advice I can give you based on my experience would be to tell you that trying to get him to understand your feelings is an exercise in frustration, and to try to accept that he will never change and therefore try to get your needs met through someone else. I know that sounds hard and it sucks to have a parent who couldn’t give you what you needed as a child – I am right there with you.

After years of frustration I finally know what to do and that is to follow the advice of this column – limit contact, and try not to make myself vulnerable to getting hurt by her (even though she doesn’t know she’s hurting me). They’ll never get it.

I totally empathize with you and support you and I wish you the best.

Dori

P.S. I just found the ‘daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com’ website and learned about the spectrum of NPD – sounds like your father is the most severe type – my mother is the 3rd level. Anyway I found it to be helpful, maybe you will too.

Hi Tanya.

You are not the only one feeling lost. Your story rings many bells for me. I have just discovered this forum this evening as I have been feeling very lost tonight. Unusual for me to feel as bad as this again as I have got used to dealing with NPD and its effect on me over the years. Anyway, tonight is a bad night for me, and that’s just the way it is. And there isn’t anyone to speak to, because when you are sharing this burden with another family member (like you, I and my sister are fully aware of NPD, though she is less able to cope with it) they form part of the story and you need someone outside of it all, to talk to, because in my situation I am providing the support to my sister. It can be a lonely existence dealing with a parent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They are so good at putting up a facade that unless people are intimately involved with your parent through business or family, or happen to have got the sharp end of the stick, most people think they are lovely. So you end up carry this horrible secret around with you, because trying to explain it to people, well, they just don’t grasp it. At all.

However, I am feeling better already if I can offer some advice. I think it is amazing what you have achieved already – getting your father to go to a therapist, albeit with you in a group setting. Sometimes I think this can backfire, as you have mentioned – where the Narcissist has too much opportunity with everyone else sitting around him, to deflect any faults on to them and not himself. I know that is very much the case with my father (I had a private session with him last night, where I made some headway – but not much – it’s an achingly slow process – where he managed to draw me into everything either to suggest how vulnerable and naive I am, or to criticise me and find me at fault in order to deflect from his faults. So I’m feeling pretty bruised too). If you look at the medical advice online when describing how to treat NPD, the narcissist really has to be in a position where it is made impossible for him (or her) to deflect any criticism from themselves. But it must be done in an extremely gentle way. A cautious approach is warranted to have any chance of success. Whether your father will agree to go to your therapist on his own, and whether your therapist has the extremely rare skill and ability to handle someone like him successfully, only you will know. I know my therapist doesn’t. And my father would not go to anyone on his own (I can only manage to get him to see my therapist if it is a phone consultation and under the guise of helping me, which isn’t really very effective – it’s just enabling his narcissism and getting round it for me. Not a longterm solution to his problems).

The second thing I would advise you do right now, is take a bit of time away from him. No matter what people say or what any alternative psychic therapist advises, there is no way to protect yourself from the shards of glass a narcissistic parent sends out to you. Every time you are around them, you put yourself in the firing line. So what you learn to do is protect yourself and CONTROL your exposure. He doesn’t like you withdrawing because it means you are gaining control and therefore he is losing it. You need to keep on gaining control. This is good. But you do it in a way where he doesn’t think he is losing it. You pull the wool over his eyes so-to-speak. In other words, following a period of absence and he mentions it accusing you of neglecting the family or him or whatever, you just reply as if you haven’t a care in the world and everything is normal saying matter-of-factly that you have been terribly busy. And just brush it off with examples like “yes, I know. I’ve had LOADS to do this week what with missing the shops last week, or helping a friend move house etc. I’ll make it up to you.” Lie if you have to.
You agree with him.
You brush it off with plausible explanations that calm him down and are not directed at him.
And you acknowledge his need by saying you’ll make it up to him, but without saying any more/tying yourself down to actually do that!

It really is an art form that you need to practice, practice, practice. And you WILL slip up. But don’t worry. These people are EXTREMELY manipulative and are always looking for the weakness in your link/the chink in your chain. For instance, he could try and tie you down to your promise to make it up to him. But you just pan him off saying “yes, sure Dad. Will definitely do that. I’ll let you know at the beginning of the week what days I’m free”. Draw boundaries, but be clever and draw them when he wants something. Then don’t phone him at the beginning of the week.
At the end of the day, you can’t be tough on yourself. You have to change around them and treat them in a way you wouldn’t normally treat anybody – by making empty promises. This is because you have to, to deal with it and to get your own space. To OWN your life. It does mean that you create distance in more ways than one with him. But you are already distant from him even though he is standing right beside you. As tough as it is, you need to trust yourself, love yourself and realise the truth – you lost that parent a long time ago. When you get through that bereavement, you can stop looking at what you may not get and can start dealing with and coping with the reality you are faced with. You can start to focus on yourself for the first time ever, and create a new relationship (using some of the methods described above) with your NPD parent. A relationship where you are in control even though they don’t know it, and where you have a life!

When you are a child of a narcissistic parent, one of the outcomes can be that you are pathologically caring. You have one life. Remember, that no matter what you give of that life to them, someone with NPD has to make the changes and get the help themselves. So don’t waste your life not living for yourself. It is not your responsibility to cure them or get them back. That is their life, and their responsibility is to sort themselves out, just like your responsibility is to yourself so that you can be there for others who deserve you and WILL deliver back, such as other family members, friends, partners, children etc.

Right now, what you need is space and a break after your exposure. NPD parents can have a grip on you, so it does feel odd at the beginning after a period of over-exposure. You have to physically stop yourself from picking up the phone to them, going up to the house etc. I find after three days, I don’t have the “pull” effect anymore, and by the end of the week I have my life back on track and am sleeping better. However, because he is my father (and I have a mother with it, but not as badly because he is so dictatorial) I will inevitably have to see him from time to time. So you do have to get used to the constant set-back of a week or two of peace to yourself and a life back and then a day of NPD followed by your withdrawal method. It’s the hand we were dealt. But at least you know that you can control your getaway. And lead a somewhat normal life away from him.

Good luck, and lots of love. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one dealing with this.

Thanks for sharing. And Dori’s was helpful reading too!

Ps. Just to add – in case my advice on getting your life back and not trying to cure your father looks hypocritical, the reason I had a session with my father and have made the decision to attempt to be a therapist to him (without him knowing that’s what it is of course) is because of what he is doing to my sister and harming her. If she wasn’t living below the poverty line because of him and suffering so much, I wouldn’t bother with my father. However, as I am unable to help her financially, I am attempting to try CBT and psychotherapy methods using my experience and interest in Psychology to try and mend my father’s mind in order for him to re-associate my sister. Hopefully as we progress he will start to come around to accepting her as his daughter and start treating her fairly again. So I am doing it for her. Not for him. If I won the Lottery tomorrow, I’d be off without him!

@tanya
, I always thought my dad was the only one I should listen to. I have been with my husband for 21 years and I am 43 years old. I was brainwashed by my dad. I thought he was perfect and everything was my fault or my mom’s fault for anything he did wrong. After years of my husband being bashed from my dad, I finally saw it for myself! My dad has the problem. I have been in theropy and church and have always wondered why I was not good enough or my husband or my daughter. It is not me and us, It is him. I finally got up enough nerve to tell him and point out web sights and examples of NPD. I mean a year of research and my dad had the gull to ask me if I had it, meaning npd. I went through everything in detail to the 9 main symptoms and gave family examples. He listened, then told me he was not Rod Blogoivioch, a chicago politician who is in jail now. My dad heard on the news that the politician had NPD. I have listended to my husband and now understand and see what my dad pulls on us as a family. People say things to me and I am confused. Oh they are in his inner circle and he fills in the gaps on my life. I barely let him know what is going on in my life due to the fact he will twist information and make us try to feel below him. It is sick and I am tired of all my life feeling bad about myself. Finally, I have realized it is not me, it is him! I am so glad you wrote an entry. Thank you

@Lou
- Hi lou, my name is andrea and my mum, according to my therapist is borderline narcissistic and my stepfather is just full on narcissistic. I get you. I have been through 2 and half years of therapy and my therapist says I can go back and see her, if I ever need to and its good to know she is there for me. I am coming down on the anti-depressants, now at 10mg and hope to be off them within the next few months. I am not rushing this process though, I actually come down by about 5mg a time (dont tell the Doc).

I don’t really need to go into my specific details of physical and emotional abuse, it kind of goes without saying. However, it left me thinking I was mad, I became depressed and suicidal as a result, on and off over the years. Finally, seeking therapy, with the love and support of my partner, I have changed and I now care for myself, something I seemed unable to do in the past, how could I, I had never been taught how to care about myself, but had been taught I was not worth caring about. I am a lucky one, apparently, as a scapegoat, I have escaped.

Your advice is invaluable, I felt complete empathy with you, those dark nights are no fun and very lonely. I get loneliness, I really do. I wonder, you say your father is a narcissist, is your mum one too? Have you ever thought of cutting them out of your life? Is this an option for you?

I find holding mum at arms length and not giving her too much information on me, helps. She only calls me a few times a year, (lucky me) and our relationship as it was prior to therapy, has altered very much so from my side and of course she knows it, she knows she has lost control of me. So she is back to abandonment or just plain ignoring me, which is fine, it is so much easier. Our last conversation left me feeling sad, but not crushed or angry, like I used to feel. I feel it is something of a breakthrough, to see through her, to read her every narcissistic effort to bring everything back to her and keep it under her control. But I am not under her control anymore. Mum has only really been interested recently, as we have been going through IVF, without success and we ran out of money. We are saving hard to have another go, but that’s another story. I had a horrible nightmare of giving birth and mum taking my baby away, it took a while to get over that one. The dream comes from knowing how narcissists are always on the look out for new sycophant fodder, it makes me shudder.

It is sad, my mum has a mental disorder as a result of her own very horrible childhood and I feel pity for her. Although, I must admit, I am still very angry with her, for what she has done to me, yet I am working on it. I suppose that’s it, there is so much emotional conflict when ones primary care giver is screwed up. You love them, you hate them etc. Its hard to have a relationship with someone you don’t really like being around.

The main thing I have difficulty with is explaining to others, my eldest brother, antony, sort of understands, he likes to think of mum as mixed up, she rarely visits him and he gets rid of her as quickly as possible, another scapegoat.

My other brother David, golden child, thinks he had a nice childhood and that there is nothing wrong and he is very protective of mum. His wife cannot see too much wrong and thinks I am needy. That is so hard to swallow and I am not having it, bless her, she doesn’t get it.

Will someone please give me a suggestion of how to explain this very complex condition to others, in a way that they can understand, because I need help with that.

Good luck to anyone affected by this awful condition and get yourself down to a therapist, a good one, at least someone with a psychology degree, because you will never get it on your own, it is far too complex to understand what has happened and you will need all the support you can get, when you do finally find out.

I have sort answers all my life, I now finally have them and that at least does bring some peace.

andrea